Wizard of Huh?

To spare us all the black-and-white, and having to spend any time at all in Kansas, we’ll jump directly to Oz:

After the vertically-challenged (you could never get away with this in our politically-correct 21st century) thankful bestow upon Dorothy a bouquet of flowers, a giant lollipop, and the keys to the city, Good Witch Glinda (GWG) puts the ruby slippers of the easterly wicked witch (EWW) on Dorothy’s feet without her permission. She solders them on somehow, using her good-witch magic (maybe this has something to do with the rather papal-looking hat), and, immediately following the threat bestowed by westerly wicked witch (W3) upon Dorothy’s life, sends her out of Munchkinland (where apparently W3 has no power) and off to fend for herself in her quest for Oz and the sole being apparently capable of helping Dorothy find her way home.

Dorothy heads off on the yellow brick road, being extraordinarily careful to begin at the exact beginning, and, in the this happens, then that, then this convention of any self-respecting children’s book, accumulates friends 1 (scarecrow), 2 (tin man) and 3 (cowardly lion). In the course of the adventures, we are “subtly” warned of the dangers of 1 playing with fire, 2 not having the sense to come in out of the rain, 3 picking apples from talking trees, and 4 heroin playing in a field of poppies.

After much travail, and a melodramatic threat drawn in smoke in the sky, timely tears trigger the sympathy of a ditzy and apparently castrated guard. The intrepid travelers are granted audience with the symbolic deity of the Merry Ol’ Land of Oz, whereupon they are immediately given a small “task,” also known as do-my-dirty-work-for-me-while-I-stay-back-and-run-things.

W3, who has apparently never bathed, has her power, and her life, quenched with a bucket of dirty mopwater, and all appears to be well on its way to a happy ending.

Of course, upon their return to Oz, it is revealed that the Wizard is an imposter, but he appeases each individual’s righteous dismay as well as their deepest fears of inadequacy through the bestowing of cheap trinkets, much like what can be found at your nearest dollar store or the Oriental Trading Post catalogue.

To reinforce the metaphor of a false god, the Great and Powerful offers Dorothy a ride home in his hot air balloon, which he does not know how to operate.

Just as Dorothy despairs of ever returning home, GWG returns, and informs her that her means of transportation home have been on her feet the whole time, but that she had to learn it for herself. The gap in logic here is just the beginning. When asked what she’s learned, Dorothy replies:

“If I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with!”

What? Qua? Was? Che?

Does this makes sense to ANYONE?

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