Getting Old Sucks

I know, I know, we’ve heard it all before. I can’t imagine I really have anything new to offer except my own unique perspective on the aging process.

Let’s run down the list shall we?

1. Graying hair — result of loss of pigment, much like the trees losing their green in the fall — does this mean that we’re all gray underneath, just like the fact that we’re all naked under our clothes?

2. Wrinkles — skin gradually loses its elasticity, and years of living in our faces and our bodies (frown, smile, have a baby or two, forget to moisturize that one Tuesday back in November of 1973; it’s all the same to your skin) do gradual and irreversible damage.

3. Loss of  muscle tone — the older we get, the harder it is for our bodies to maintain muscle. Add that to the increase in aches and pains and we’re a grunt-every-time-we-stand-up-or-sit-down just waiting to happen.

4. Weight Gain — it’s been scientifically proven, and directly related to #3,  that we gain weight more easily as we get older. Unfortunately, my love for good food, good wine, and good chocolate shows no sign of waning. Probably time to step up the exercise program, although I feel about exercise much as Mark Twain did when he said “Whenever I feel the urge to exercise I lie down until the feeling passes.”

5. Menopause — I know, the men probably don’t want to hear about it, so just skip ahead to number 6 if the topic makes you squeamish. I’m just curious:  why does each period get weirder than the last? Gearing up for its last hurrah? It actually reminds me a little bit of how aggressive and psychotic bees get in the fall, right before they die. Enough already. Forget hormone replacement therapy, is there something I can take to accelerate the process? I guess there are the mood swings, increased risk of heart attack, and lack of interest in sex to look forward to.

6. Loss of cognitive function — by the time I walk across the room to turn on a light I forget why I’ve gone there. This can’t be a good sign. It’s not that big of a room.

7. What’s happening to my neck?

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